I am moving to Nekoweb to see if my music player can work. If it does, I may be more active on there. Cheers.
I was listening to breakcore at this time (still am lol) and I accidentally discovered a track that was considered lost media. It was fortunately perserved by a fan of the producer, and fans of old and new gathered in the comment section to say “thank you”.
I’ve been grapling a lot with the concept of “proof of existence”. I’ve been panicking so much, but I probably shouldn’t to the point of unhappiness and zero productivity. It’s ironic because I am at the point of that in my bedroom.. no matter how hard I try to keep it neat and organized, it remains contemporary. Sometimes I wish I could just die so the neatness can be perserved forever, as parents of dead children have no reason to touch their rooms.
Knowing how my mother saw my items and treated me when I wasn’t living at her place for some time really soldified the reality, in my mind of how much she understands and “sees” me (albeit not really that much at all).
I wish I can stop writing such depressing things on the internet.
I have a story I wish to tell, but so many other things of my current present life are bothering me. I wish I had someone I can genuinely confide in that wouldn’t ghost me the next day, like someone I knew for six months did just recently.
I wish I can describe the difficult feelings about yet another one of my abusers… even if everyone surrrounded with it disliked me from the very beginning. When will I ever make sense of those feelings?
Anyways.
I love my boyfriend, I really do, but I would like to get closer to him. My brother and father were arguring recently and my brother said that my father is just a speck of American civilization. He also threatened to delete the funeral photos of my grandfather as well because he was just so annoyed with my father.. The point being of why I mentioned these two events is because I don’t want to die a speck in the world. The internet is just a extension of the outside world. I work so hard on each and every one of my websites because it feels like it’s my most relevant proof of existence, but then they get erased once I consider them irrelevant.
I feel so envious of people who can live easily, yet breathe in a thousand memories within a thousand people.. I don’t want to be forgotten. I’m trying to create a proof of existence. I feel helpless in my life right now and I feel as though I can’t exactly do anything for the greater good for others completely just by trying my best. I’m a part of a internship right now but I am clumsy. I don’t believe I’m the most comptenent in the room, but one staff member said that he was really happy to see me and that meant and will continue to mean quite a lot to me.
When I was younger, I was always complaining to my boyfriend at the time that I wanted to be valued, I wanted to feel special. He used to say such weak loose saccharine words because he was grooming me for a entire year. What puzzles and pains the me of today is that a lot of people have been ghosting me when I do open up about my past, so maybe.. maybe I opened this website so I can encounter people who not only resonate with me, but would have no reason to truly abandon me.
I try to tell everyone that I come across, indirectly or not that they have a inherit value just for existing. Everyone is born with it. I wouldn’t like to get too deeper into it because everything will get all complicated.
Here’s to the next entry, I suppose.
I worked really hard on this website today.